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Phantom Cries

by Kashimana

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1.
Introduction 04:20
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Mmm Mmm Mmm Ah Ah We ey oh The amniotic fluid is borderline Is it time to push? It hurts I feel like pooping Sing, don't scream Your body will know Did the water break? What is going on? Hold my hand Pray In distress! In Distress! Emergency cesarean We can't stand our ground Blood pressure Loss of blood Hemorrhage Heart beat Low cry, sing Sh! Pray The induction is not working, balloon Risk of complications, mucus, the blood, how much? Here she is, almost there, I can see the head, push Where is my guide? Preeclampsia? What is going on? I don't know how to do this Tear, tear where? Cardiomyopathy, stitches, the placenta looks good, Stitches, bleeding after Pain, don't do too much The blood will show when you are doing too much Go, go, stop, stop, work out Oh sleep, sleep, nurse, breastfeeding Just, argh ooo, she is here, please cry, thank God The blood will show Heel prick, love, so tired, love, my blood, my heart Love hear me, can anyone hear me? Who is this, who am I? I am everything What is this? I did it, we did it, I didn't know how to do it Oh what have I done, who am I? Wow, elation, euphoria, please be okay The cord is cut Two to three times, three to four times I survived I am here, I am here She is here
2.
Afire 04:26
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Afire afire afiyi Afire afire fire Afire afire afiyi Afire afire fire Rock a bye baby on the treetop When the wind blows, the cradle will rock When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall And down will come baby, cradle and all One thing I wasn't prepared for was the fierce love That would come with becoming a mother So strong and all consuming Love set me afire but I was fireproof Afire afire afiyi Afire afire fire A flame bursts into existence Carrying your name across the universe Brave souls calling in the distance Who chose who? With all my fierceness I choose you I am the cradle, the rock, the wind, and the tree You can fall into me Fall into me I am the cradle, the rock, the wind, and the tree You can fall into me Fall into me Fall into me Fall into me my love You will go through the ring of fire And this love will ignite you A face glowing in the darkness Ferrying a likeness through the sonogram A pace set by two hearts boundless Who chose who? With all my fierceness I choose you I am the cradle, the rock, the wind, and the tree You can fall into me Fall into me I am the cradle, the rock, the wind, and the tree You can fall into me Fall into me Fall into me Fall into me my love Fall into me Fall into me my love I am the cradle, the rock, the wind and the tree, you can fall into me, fall into me I am the cradle, the rock, the wind and the tree, you can fall into me, fall into me I will catch you, I'll protect you, I will nurture and adore you I'll protect you, I will catch you, I will nurture and adore you Afire afire afiyi Afire afire
3.
Only Human (Hey Hey Hey Ah) 03:07
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Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah! Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah! Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah! I can feel the change Change in my bones I can see the glow Luminescence Too early to show But somehow I know Growing cell by cell Into something else Wow Am Only Human Only human Only human And I'm mother too now Mother too now Mother too now Ah! Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah! Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah! I can hear the swell A new beat in my chest I can taste the blood Of life in my womb Too early to say Who's the potter or clay? Euphoria Is something else Wow Am Only Human Only human Only human And I'm mother too now Mother too now Mother too now Ah! Ooo This is the beginning And I'm feeling like an alien Rushing through all my emotions So exciting terrifying Will I make the right decision What the hell is that I'm smelling? My insides are twisting turning With this life newly forming See me laughing see me crying See me out of space I'm spinning Far from earth but slowly falling Shh got real and now I'm dealing With the fact, I'm all up in my feelings And I'm so far, too far from perfect But I'm Only Human Only human Only human And a mother too now Mother too now Mother too now Ah! And I'm Only Human Only human Only human And I'm a mother too now Mother too now Mother too now Ah! Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah! Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ah!
4.
The Letdown Getdown 06:20
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I imagined myself a sweetly flowing Naturally giving Highly uplifting Superhero breastfeeding mama bear But that was before my first cluster feeding, Nipple bleeding, sleepy latching pseudo biting session Damn this was going to be harder than I thought And no one mentioned how literally draining it would be Have you ever tried to fit A large hard milk spraying breast Into a teeny tiny mouth Without suffocating them? Well every mama that has tried before me deserves a medal Bear in mind that all of this is happening with lack of sleep Slowly healing of a third degree perineum tear Ravenous hunger, lack of time keeping and the sheer shock of it all Damn also no one reveals how painful an engorged breast or clogged duct will feel It feels like someone punched you on the inside of your breast Nursing was a letdown in so many ways but you just have to get down because the benefits are amazing You gotta let it flow This is the letdown getdown Let if flow Liquid gold Let it flow Liquid gold I got liquid gold Coming out of cracked nipples They said it’d be luxurious That I wouldn’t feel no pain Said it would be natural to nurse but Felt like I was hit by a bus Milk oh Clogged oh Where’s my supply? It’s letdown getdown So getdown let that milk down Said getdown let that milk down Let if flow Liquid gold Let it flow Liquid gold So getdown let that milk down Said getdown let that milk down Netflix and milk this Clogged ducts and mastitis Latching needs a specialist What you know about Raynaud’s syndrome That's when the blood doesn’t flow To a spot in a your nipple oh Damn it hurts Fear the thrush Feel the rush It’s letdown getdown So getdown let that milk down Said getdown let that milk down Let if flow Liquid gold Let it flow Liquid gold On a lighter note I can’t count the amount of times I looked at my husband and his useless nipples With an anger that was swift and righteous How dare those nipples not work Speaking of work so you go back to work Find time to pump hoping that you will have a letdown when you need to And not while you’re giving a presentation or on stage Also hoping your work will respect your pumping time and area You know what song lyric I now hate? Strong enough to bear the children then get back to business I love Beyonce but **** Beyonce Nah Just playing but those lyrics hurt though It is not ok that a majority of women have to go back to work Because we do not have Paid Maternity Leave And if we have any, it is not enough and is not a leave Paid Maternity leave should be a right So mothers can heal, bond, grow, mature Have job security and go through whatever healing we have to go through Like postpartum depression medical complications and time to just breathe But no breastfeeding shaming allowed here, so let that guilting go There is a lot of misinformation out there and supply is tricky So whether milk comes from a breast or a bottle The love and nurture a mama gives to her little one is the real liquid gold Check in on your new mamas Send them encouraging messages and love Be gentle with yourself mamas And let the liquid gold of love flow to yourself as well So getdown let that love down Said getdown let that love down Let if flow (so getdown let that love down) Liquid gold (said getdown let that love down) Let if flow (so getdown let that love down) Liquid gold (said getdown let that love down) That’s right you got this
5.
Hunny Bunny 03:54
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Go to Sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to Sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep Oh hunny bunny you’re my cutie pie Oh hunny bunny I hate when you cry Oh hunny bunny won’t you close your eyes Oh hunny bunny how you sweetly sigh But go to sleep sleep sleep Close your eyes my love And go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep Oh hunny bunny I love when you smile But oh hunny bunny won’t you rest a while Oh hunny bunny for the love of silence Oh hunny bunny hear this lullaby But go to sleep sleep sleep Close your eyes my love Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep Oh hunny bunny you’re my little one Oh hunny bunny there’s another yawn Oh hunny bunny you look so far gone Oh hunny bunny I am just so done Please let me sleep sleep sleep Close your eyes my love And go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep Oh hunny bunny will I get this right? Oh hunny bunny I’m so sleep deprived Oh hunny bunny I have cried and cried Oh hunny bunny how will I survive With no sleep sleep sleep Close your eyes my love And go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep Oh hunny bunny it’s another day Oh hunny bunny how you finally lay Oh hunny I hope sleep has come to stay But oh hunny eight minutes is not okay We will sleep sleep sleep Sometime soon I hope We will sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep sleep sleep Go to sleep Oh hunny bunny you’re my cutie pie Oh hunny bunny you’re my cutie pie Oh hunny bunny you’re my cutie pie Oh hunny bunny you’re my cutie pie Got to sleep
6.
Phantom Cries Prelude 01:58
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According to the CDC, Out of 4 million women who give birth in the US annually Over 50,000 a year, experience dangerous and even life-threatening complications 12.4 deaths per 100,000 live births for white women 17.8 deaths per 100,000 live births for women of other races 40.0 deaths per 100,000 live births for Black women The ratio of complications across races is negligible But the fatalities are not 2 to 3 times more maternal death occurs for Black women
7.
Phantom Cries 03:15
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One Last One Last One Last touch One last gaze One last breath Haunting her days She hears another cry, in the space where her heart keeps on beating She still carries his voice, in her DNA where he keeps on living She has a perfect picture of his eyes before he went away, he’s gone And the silver sun that pierced the clouds have turned to gray, he’s gone 
10 months of dreaming, ten months of gleaming Who will stop the cries? Phantom! Ta mm ta mm ta mm ta ta mm ta ta da Ta mm ta mm ta mm ta ta mm ta ta da da da One Last touch One last gaze One last breath Haunting her days She sees another life, in the space where her brain keeps remembering She still reaches for his hand, so small and too fragile yet tightly holding on She has a perfect picture of the footprints he’ll never make, He’s gone Next to the perfect picture of steps that he’ll never take, He’s gone Ten months of dreaming, life cut short Ten months of gleaming, life cut short Who will stop the cries, phantom! Ta mm ta mm ta mm ta ta mm ta ta da Ta mm ta mm ta mm ta ta mm ta ta da da da One Last touch One last gaze One last breath Haunting her days One Last touch (take me instead) One last gaze (what do I do now) One last breath (oh the grief) Haunting her days (oh the grief) Ta mm ta mm ta mm ta ta mm ta ta da Ta mm ta mm ta mm ta ta mm ta ta da da da
8.
The Blood Will Show 03:30
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I have kingdoms to take over I can win it all, yes I can I prepared for all of my labor I can work it out, yes I can The pressure keeps rising My heart keeps racing The world keeps judging If you can’t do it all The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show I have a queendom to reign over I can do it all, yes I can I am more than my skin color But in this system I’ve already lost Do I have to keep fighting? To find health that is caring? If you don’t hear my voice Whose fault is it? The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show Still working hard, I don’t know when to stop And you know I can’t cause I’m no man I’m a champion in my field of work But in your hospital I’m over run Maternity is not a leaving These wounds aren’t healing If the world keeps judging You can’t do it all The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show I’ve been running around breaking my neck Running around breaking my back Running around losing my voice Running around losing my body Running around breaking my neck Running around breaking my back Running around losing my voice Running around losing my body It’s a bloody show It’s a bloody show It’s a bloody show The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show The blood will show you The blood will show Yababa budaba budaba bababa budah Yababa budaba budaba bababa budah Yababa budaba budaba bababa budah Yababa budaba budaba The blood will show you
9.
Strong Black Mother 05:08
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I’m trying to be a superwoman I’m trying to rise up every time And keep forging on till I’ve done all I can to be a I’m a Strong Black Mother Strong Black mother I feel like I’m losing my mind I feel like I’m stuck on rewind But I will survive if I stay on that grind Cause I’m a Strong Black Mother Strong Black Mother Maybe I’m breaking on the inside Maybe I’m shaking under my pride But I’m tired of trying to hide all that I am To be a Strong Black Mother Strong Black mother Who, Who, Who’s coming through To water this community See for the future I am so full with the falling star Pack up these groceries, Walk us to our car I am as strong as I look I am a Strong, Strong Black Mother Strong Black Mother I, You know I’m a mother But there are times I can’t do it all But when I need help, I need help, I need help You can’t do it all by yourself But I’m a Strong Black Mother I carried life Created a man They cut me apart Where I couldn’t stand Now I am raising him to love another Strong Black Mother Strong Black Mother So I’m celebrating being just me I’m celebrating my fragility I can be tough when it’s healthy to be I’m a Strong Black Mother Strong Black Mother
10.
Bigger Than My Body 03:33
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Ah Yi Yi Yi Ah Yi Yi Yi Ah Yi Yi Yi Ah Yi Yi Yi Aaah Ah Uh Aaah Ah Uh Aaah Ah Uh Aaah Ah Uh Who am I? Woman, mother, black, skin and bones Who are you? Naive, Focused, Torn, scared, unemployed What do we do? Be silent, nurse, cry, explain, laugh and sh Who questions why? you, me, they, them, us, what the ****? I'm stronger than the old me But more fragile than the old me I'm gentler than old me I expect more from the old me More exhausted than the old me There's more beyond the old me Will I ever feel like the old me I feel bigger than my body Bigger than my body Bigger than my body Bigger than my body Who goes there? Mother, doctor, nurse, doula, husband, wife Who will lie? Strangers, blood, tubes, stress, a number on the chart Who will survive? Mother, child, cord, mind, placenta, numb Are you prepared? Prenatal, postpartum, love, time will heal the pain I'm stronger than the old me but more fragile than the old me I'm stronger than the old me But more fragile than the old me I'm gentler than old me I expect more from the old me More exhausted than the old me There's more beyond the old me Will I ever feel like the old me I feel bigger than my body Bigger than my body Bigger than my body Bigger than my body Bigger than my body (Bigger than my body) Bigger than my body (Bigger than my body) Bigger than my body (Bigger than my body) Bigger than my body (Bigger than my body)
11.
Thank You 01:04
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Thank you to the Black Women's Health Imperative, SisterSong Reproductive Justice and Black Mamas Matter Alliance, and the many organizations working hard to decrease black maternal and infant mortality rates. Thank you to the doulas, midwives, and professionals expanding the care in health care. Gratitude to the mamas; past, present and future; may your labor be supported, and it's never too late to advocate for yourself. Thank you to my family and friends for the love and support. I love and appreciate you. Peace, Love, Abundance, and Joy.
12.
Mama (Long Version) 09:22
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Mmmm mmm mmm mmm Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama (hah hah hah) Mama (Ooo oo oo) Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama Ahh ahh aah He calls out I can’t breathe I can’t breathe Crown upon his head wings upon his back He was a father, a brother, a son How could you not see it? When you had your knee on his neck George Floyd, Say his name George Floyd Justice Now Something’s gotta change Gotta stop killing our brothers and sisters What are you gonna do now that you hear the call? oh What are you gonna do now that you’ve heard his voice? What are you gonna do? Mama mama oooo That I can’t breathe I’m a link (live) What are you gonna do when you hear the call? (Hear the call) Mama Yeah Hear the call I hear you Oh oh we all hear you Now we gonna change the world (Change the world) Now we gotta change the world (Change the world) Right now, Do it now, Do the work now! It’s a marathon Not a sprint now (Yes) Oh oh oh oh Ooo ooo ooo Mama Oh Oh Oh For my brothers and my sisters (For my brothers and my sisters) For the one that go before us (For the one that go before us) For the ancestors and the future ancestors That now depends on us (that now depends on us) The time is now Right here, right now (Right here, right now, the time is now) Mama Now you hear the call Heart of my heart Heart of my heart Mama Mmm mmm mmm
13.
Oh Yes Flow 03:20
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All I know is that it Seems so different today Feels like The way to go is to find a flow All All I ask for you is flow Flow So I’m Jumping in jumping out Making the waves go around Jumping in jumping out It’s time to find a flow babe Oh Yes Oh Yes Oh Yes I know this moment is so So beautiful it’s critical I know this moment is so So beautiful it’s critical Ooo ooo ooo All I see is things can be So small next to the world Finding the calm within The chaos is gold So I’m jumping in jumping out Making the waves go around Jumping in jumping out It’s time to find a flow babe Oh Yes Oh Yes Oh Yes I know this moment is so So beautiful it’s critical I know this moment is so So beautiful it’s critical Oh Yes Oh Yes Oh Yes

credits

released July 28, 2023

Music and Lyrics: Kashimana Hembadoon Ahua
Singing and Vocals: Kashimana Ahua, Aja Parham, Sarah O’ Neil, Alicia Steele
Drums and Percussion: Glory Yard
Bass: Khary Jackson (Khary J)
Bass and Guitar on The Blood Will Show: Matt Patrick
Engineering, Mixing and Mastering: Matt Patrick
Recorded: The Library Studio

Photography: Lilian Rose Photos
Makeup for Album Cover: Alyssa Runquist
Wardrobe: Lilian Rose Photos and Kashimana Ahua
Album Cover Concept and Design: Kashimana Ahua

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Kashimana Saint Paul, Minnesota

Kashimana is a multi-talented artist who wears many hats mother, musician, composer, producer, and teaching artist. Their music evokes profound emotions with its beautiful blend of soulful vocals, acoustic R&B, folk, and Afro-funk. Kashimana's performances are a raw and authentic expression of vulnerability, infused with joy and pain seeking to heal, comfort, inspire and ignite life and love. ... more

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